Because I cant sleep im going to ramble....

Its scary being me sometimes.
Things that you find easy to do can be extremely hard or painful for me. I thought (for the first 13 years of my life) that i was just a clumsy wimpy kid who is somehow always accumulating bruises. That is, until I hurt myself at Youth Camp 2009, and I wasn't healing correctly. It got to the point of where I could not walk without being in extreme pain.

For the next few months, I would have 3 x-rays, 2 MRI's, and talked to numerous doctors and various specialists. They all said (virtually) the same thing: "There is nothing wrong with you, it's all in your head." After being told that over and over, you kind of start doubting your sanity. and worrying. I mean, you're telling this to a (very) impressionable 13/14 year old child. Of course the first thing I think is that I'm being over dramatic. Thankfully we found a doctor who diagnosed my issue as a bruise under my kneecap that wouldn't go away. The treatment: physical therapy. This started about 3 months of pure torture where the bruise was worked out, and my knee slowly healed. Well that was that right?

Wrong. Something went wrong again. Extreme pain is not a lovely thing, so I got another MRI to see what was up in my knee. Welp nothing showed up and I was told again that it was all in my head. Do you know how frustrating that is?! Imagine this, you are in excruciating pain, but you are basically told that you are being dramatic and there is nothing wrong with you. I kinda withdrew from people (at least inwardly... i kept up outer appearances) I started doubting, crying, etc. Physical therapy was happening again to keep working my knee. It hurt really bad and i was absolutely miserable.

We went to a geneticist to see if they could diagnose anything wrong with me. I believe this was late 2010, early 2011 (its all blurry now). That is when I was diagnosed with something called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and connective tissue disorder (basically the same thing). That is all they told me. Oh yes, they also said to google them to find out more. Don't EVER google something you are diagnosed with. That set off about a year of immense anxiety attacks, depression (I hate saying it, but I don't know what else to call it), and no incentive to really continue doing anything. I didn't want to be alive anymore. I mean I was broken, and can't be fixed what was the use of doing anything? This started me off on a very self destructive course. I won't say much of what happened because i'm still sore about it, but the mind convinces you of many strange and harmful things.

Let me start off by saying: hurting yourself is NEVER the answer. I would have times where the overall pain in my body was unbearable. Did I tell anyone? no. I somehow convinced myself that me causing pain to myself is controlling and liberating. (no i'm not telling you what I did) Needless to say, I have many unnecessary scars that could have been avoided.... I was grasping at straws trying to stabilize my life. Find steady ground or normalness somehow. No matter what I tried, it didn't work. I felt like I was cut adrift from the world and that no one loved or wanted me. Which was an absolute lie. How did I get out of this melancholy? I honestly have no clue, other than the grace of God.

I was banned from googling my disease, and the anxiety attacks lessened. Alright, so I have this weird degenerative disease that no one really knows a whole lot about, that's all that's wrong with me right?

Wrong. I won't tell the entire (LONG) story, but here is what else I am diagnosed with. Because of the Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, I am living in constant excruciating pain. I dislocate my joints randomly. Try just standing up and having your hip dislocate on you. Coughing, and having a rib dislocate. Picking something awkward up at work, and having your entire shoulder dislocate. Walking, and having your ankles popping in and out. Chewing or talking, and having your jaw constantly catch. (It is either stuck closed, or stuck open). Chronic migraines. (They are very bad)
How about having too straight of a neck. that doesn't sound too bad right?

Wrong. Imagine hanging out with your friends laughing and having a good time. Wake up the next morning and you feel like somebody is taking a jack hammer to your head or that your head is going to implode/explode. Yes, I get migraines from laughing too much, weather changes, light, not enough sleep, too much sleep, not enough protein, not enough water, etc. So basically anything can set off migraines because my neck is too straight,

Oh, while at the spine area, I have scoliosis (unnatural curvature of the spine) in two different places in my back. The curvature (last time they checked) was just under when they recommend surgery. So basically it feels like I constantly have a kink in my back that I am unable to get out. Also, my back muscles are constantly sore.

I tore my ACL in 2013, and had another surgery in 2014 (on the same knee) to fix a problem. I was in physical therapy for about a year trying to rehab my knee back to normal. When I snapped my ACL, I also slightly tore the MCL and LCL, slightly tore the patella tendon, chipped the patella, had bone bruising and chipping on the upper and lower leg bones, and slightly tore the meniscus. (I did that all at the same time..)

Since I was diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, my vision has been slowly deteriorating, I had 20/20 vision in 2009, and now i have glasses, and it keeps deteriorating slowly. I would tell you what my vision is now, but I honestly forget. I also suffer from insomnia, which is very irritating and draining for me. I'm probably forgetting something, but this is more than enough for you to think about.


Alright, now take everything I wrote above and just for one second imagine what a day for me is like. A good day involves me dislocating only two joints,and being able to ignore the pain for most of the day (pain medication does not really help me). A bad day? I dont want to get out of bed in the morning. Not because i don't have anything to do or I'm being lazy, but because I hurt too much and have probably had barely any sleep. Moving sometimes takes so much energy and willpower. On those days, I tend to be very quiet, and withdrawn from people. It takes a lot of focus to function without breaking down, I sometimes have no energy left to deal with people.

Would I change all this? Make myself perfectly healthy and 'normal' if I could? Absolutely not! I have met God during this trial. I have learned to be content, and see joy and wonder in the little things. I have learned to celebrate every little victory, and most importantly, I have learned that God is ALWAYS by my side no matter what. I have learned that prayer is a most wondrous and powerful thing, and is a sharp sword. I have learned to be sympathetic towards people. I have learned to approach my God humbly, and I have learned to pray big prayers. God has created a most complex thing, called a human body, and whoever designed something as delicate and as complex as this, can do ANYTHING. So don't be scared to pray big prayers. We have a BIG God who is able to do even greater things than we can imagine.

I have come to terms with this illness. It is something that is incurable, and I will live with it the rest of my life. I rejoice in this trial.But I know that I do not always have the best reactions sometimes. Yes I can be grumpy, short tempered, anxious, super stressed, terrified, and short. But in the end, I know this is for God's will. I will never know God's reasoning for giving me this disease, at least not on this side of eternity. But I know that he is with me.
"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." ~1 Corinthians 10:13

what happened the night I injured myself...

Even as I entered the arena, I had a feeling something bad was going to happen. The ball entered and I raced for it. Unfortunately someone else got there first and the ball just barely tapped my leg as it whizzed out. I was out. So I went to climb out. Unfortunately something happened with my leg as I was coming out.

It felt like it went left, right, hyper-extended, and had the kneecap pop out all at the same time. I fell over. At that moment I knew what a haze of pain was. I literally had no input to my brain other than that of the excruciating pain from what ever happened in my knee. I had about 10 seconds of completely white vision. I finally noticed what was happening around me when I heard Jackie asking me if I needed my parents. I still wasn’t sure what had happened so I dazedly sat up and murmured to her that no, no I don’t think I need anyone.

Then I tried to brush everyone away saying oh it was just my kneecap popping out. I felt the outside of my leg and determined that my kneecap was in place so I asked for a hand up. I almost screamed (but did not) because of the amount of pain my knee was sending me as I tried to stand. I immediately sat back down.

I asked for help to scoot over next to the wall. I sat there trying not to cry and figure what had happened. A bad feeling slowly formed in the pit of my stomach.  Jackie came up with my dad in tow, and I was extremely grateful that she didn’t listen to me and went and got him. Dad helped me to move into the usher’s station as we tried to assess how to handle the issue. Mrs. Bittner came in and dad asked if there was any ibuprofen around, she went to go get it. Dad carefully checked my leg and said it looked like nothing was wrong; it might just be a bad bruise. Mrs. Bittner came back with ice, water, and the pills.

I took the pills and held the bag of ice on my leg. Some of my friends came in and sat and talked to me. They came and they went, for a while I didn’t really pay attention to the conversation. In my head I was coming up with the worst scenario possible. Eventually I just broke down and was crying for a bit as they prayed for me. (For some reason that reminded me of my first Youth Camp lol J ) I gained control of my emotions as the girls were talking to me, and was able to even smile.

When we got home that night, I was up in my room on my bed. (I’m not entirely how I got to the car, then to my house, then up the stairs, but it happened somehow) I was sitting there trying to listen to the pain signals my leg was sending me, but oddly there were few. I moved my ankle. Then I started crying and panicking because I could not feel my leg at all.

My mom came up and saw me crying and asked if the pain had gotten worse. I told her I could not feel my leg, she then went downstairs to talk to dad. A few minutes later dad came up and told me that we were going to go to the emergency room. (I was not very happy about that…)

"I know where you got your shoes." The man said in a thick southern accent as he came up close to me. "Oh yeah?" I challenged as i stuck my hands in my pockets to make sure he wasn't trying to pickpocket me. "on yo feet!" he laughed as he then offered to shine my shoes for me. I agreed and gave him five bucks. I then walked away.
My eyes furtively darted around glaring at everyone I passed. I was not going to be taken by surprise this time! I walked through the narrow streets quickly. I couldn't find the store I was told about so I left the French Quarter. I ran back to my seedy hotel room.I sat on the bed and put my head in my hands. Now what? I did exactly as he said but there was no CD shop! How am I supposed to find that microchip now? I jumped up in a flip as two big men burst into my room. "You DO NOT want mess with me right now!"

Strong Enough (9)

I quickly dived underwater to avoid the arrows being shot at me. Oh great... they are seriously shooting at me?!?! I swam as hard as I could to try to get away from the arrows. That was when I was hit in my back right leg. I surface screaming in pain as I pulled the arrow out. I threw the arrow at the guard perusing me down the banks of the river and wounded one in the arm. Good, one less guard to worry about! I took another deep breath, and set off like a fish. I kept going until I almost blacked out, and then surfaced. I took slow deep breaths of air and took a quick glimpse around. No guards. Good. I dragged myself out of the cold stream and lay there half submerged. I had no more strength to move myself. I fell asleep with my legs in the stream water, hoping that the water would help clean out and numb the arrow wound.

A facade

It is all a facade

The laughs and the joy

It is all a mask we put on

to put on so

no one asks why

Why we are depressed

Strong Enough (8)

I finished the blog chalenge! :D____________________________________________

Somehow, the tunnel lead out to the outside, over the bank of the river. I carefully put the book into a water proof bag, and dived into the river. I swam down stream, following the current. I surfaced a good mile down stream, surprised at how fast I went. I glanced around to get my bearings, and realized that I was near the town of Grey Wolf. I went under again, and swam as fast as I would, hoping that I could get past the town without resurfacing. My lungs began to ache as I swam under the bridge. Only a little farther! My vision began to grow dim. I need air! NOW! I resurfaced, not caring where I was; I gulped in copious amounts of air. My vision cleared, and I could see that I was a little past the edge of town. I was not safe yet, so I kept swimming down stream. I then heard a weird sound: whizz plop. What was that?? I looked around, but could not see what made that sound. I heard a couple more, then noticed that arrows were being shot at me. uhg. Not now. This was not going to be a good day....

Strong Enough (7)

I lifted the stone back into place, then I crept down the tunnel. I went straight at the fork to see where it went. I traveled for a long time in the darkness, until I stumbled over something. I felt around in my pockets to see if I happened to leave a glow stick in there. I found one at the very bottom of my pocket, then I cracked it. I put the glow stick close to where I stumbled to see what it was. I stifled a scream as I saw a half decayed body lying in the middle of the tunnel floor. I gagged, and turned away. I tried to put the person's horrible fate out of my mind as I continued up the tunnel.