Because I cant sleep im going to ramble....

Its scary being me sometimes.
Things that you find easy to do can be extremely hard or painful for me. I thought (for the first 13 years of my life) that i was just a clumsy wimpy kid who is somehow always accumulating bruises. That is, until I hurt myself at Youth Camp 2009, and I wasn't healing correctly. It got to the point of where I could not walk without being in extreme pain.

For the next few months, I would have 3 x-rays, 2 MRI's, and talked to numerous doctors and various specialists. They all said (virtually) the same thing: "There is nothing wrong with you, it's all in your head." After being told that over and over, you kind of start doubting your sanity. and worrying. I mean, you're telling this to a (very) impressionable 13/14 year old child. Of course the first thing I think is that I'm being over dramatic. Thankfully we found a doctor who diagnosed my issue as a bruise under my kneecap that wouldn't go away. The treatment: physical therapy. This started about 3 months of pure torture where the bruise was worked out, and my knee slowly healed. Well that was that right?

Wrong. Something went wrong again. Extreme pain is not a lovely thing, so I got another MRI to see what was up in my knee. Welp nothing showed up and I was told again that it was all in my head. Do you know how frustrating that is?! Imagine this, you are in excruciating pain, but you are basically told that you are being dramatic and there is nothing wrong with you. I kinda withdrew from people (at least inwardly... i kept up outer appearances) I started doubting, crying, etc. Physical therapy was happening again to keep working my knee. It hurt really bad and i was absolutely miserable.

We went to a geneticist to see if they could diagnose anything wrong with me. I believe this was late 2010, early 2011 (its all blurry now). That is when I was diagnosed with something called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and connective tissue disorder (basically the same thing). That is all they told me. Oh yes, they also said to google them to find out more. Don't EVER google something you are diagnosed with. That set off about a year of immense anxiety attacks, depression (I hate saying it, but I don't know what else to call it), and no incentive to really continue doing anything. I didn't want to be alive anymore. I mean I was broken, and can't be fixed what was the use of doing anything? This started me off on a very self destructive course. I won't say much of what happened because i'm still sore about it, but the mind convinces you of many strange and harmful things.

Let me start off by saying: hurting yourself is NEVER the answer. I would have times where the overall pain in my body was unbearable. Did I tell anyone? no. I somehow convinced myself that me causing pain to myself is controlling and liberating. (no i'm not telling you what I did) Needless to say, I have many unnecessary scars that could have been avoided.... I was grasping at straws trying to stabilize my life. Find steady ground or normalness somehow. No matter what I tried, it didn't work. I felt like I was cut adrift from the world and that no one loved or wanted me. Which was an absolute lie. How did I get out of this melancholy? I honestly have no clue, other than the grace of God.

I was banned from googling my disease, and the anxiety attacks lessened. Alright, so I have this weird degenerative disease that no one really knows a whole lot about, that's all that's wrong with me right?

Wrong. I won't tell the entire (LONG) story, but here is what else I am diagnosed with. Because of the Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, I am living in constant excruciating pain. I dislocate my joints randomly. Try just standing up and having your hip dislocate on you. Coughing, and having a rib dislocate. Picking something awkward up at work, and having your entire shoulder dislocate. Walking, and having your ankles popping in and out. Chewing or talking, and having your jaw constantly catch. (It is either stuck closed, or stuck open). Chronic migraines. (They are very bad)
How about having too straight of a neck. that doesn't sound too bad right?

Wrong. Imagine hanging out with your friends laughing and having a good time. Wake up the next morning and you feel like somebody is taking a jack hammer to your head or that your head is going to implode/explode. Yes, I get migraines from laughing too much, weather changes, light, not enough sleep, too much sleep, not enough protein, not enough water, etc. So basically anything can set off migraines because my neck is too straight,

Oh, while at the spine area, I have scoliosis (unnatural curvature of the spine) in two different places in my back. The curvature (last time they checked) was just under when they recommend surgery. So basically it feels like I constantly have a kink in my back that I am unable to get out. Also, my back muscles are constantly sore.

I tore my ACL in 2013, and had another surgery in 2014 (on the same knee) to fix a problem. I was in physical therapy for about a year trying to rehab my knee back to normal. When I snapped my ACL, I also slightly tore the MCL and LCL, slightly tore the patella tendon, chipped the patella, had bone bruising and chipping on the upper and lower leg bones, and slightly tore the meniscus. (I did that all at the same time..)

Since I was diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, my vision has been slowly deteriorating, I had 20/20 vision in 2009, and now i have glasses, and it keeps deteriorating slowly. I would tell you what my vision is now, but I honestly forget. I also suffer from insomnia, which is very irritating and draining for me. I'm probably forgetting something, but this is more than enough for you to think about.


Alright, now take everything I wrote above and just for one second imagine what a day for me is like. A good day involves me dislocating only two joints,and being able to ignore the pain for most of the day (pain medication does not really help me). A bad day? I dont want to get out of bed in the morning. Not because i don't have anything to do or I'm being lazy, but because I hurt too much and have probably had barely any sleep. Moving sometimes takes so much energy and willpower. On those days, I tend to be very quiet, and withdrawn from people. It takes a lot of focus to function without breaking down, I sometimes have no energy left to deal with people.

Would I change all this? Make myself perfectly healthy and 'normal' if I could? Absolutely not! I have met God during this trial. I have learned to be content, and see joy and wonder in the little things. I have learned to celebrate every little victory, and most importantly, I have learned that God is ALWAYS by my side no matter what. I have learned that prayer is a most wondrous and powerful thing, and is a sharp sword. I have learned to be sympathetic towards people. I have learned to approach my God humbly, and I have learned to pray big prayers. God has created a most complex thing, called a human body, and whoever designed something as delicate and as complex as this, can do ANYTHING. So don't be scared to pray big prayers. We have a BIG God who is able to do even greater things than we can imagine.

I have come to terms with this illness. It is something that is incurable, and I will live with it the rest of my life. I rejoice in this trial.But I know that I do not always have the best reactions sometimes. Yes I can be grumpy, short tempered, anxious, super stressed, terrified, and short. But in the end, I know this is for God's will. I will never know God's reasoning for giving me this disease, at least not on this side of eternity. But I know that he is with me.
"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." ~1 Corinthians 10:13

what happened the night I injured myself...

Even as I entered the arena, I had a feeling something bad was going to happen. The ball entered and I raced for it. Unfortunately someone else got there first and the ball just barely tapped my leg as it whizzed out. I was out. So I went to climb out. Unfortunately something happened with my leg as I was coming out.

It felt like it went left, right, hyper-extended, and had the kneecap pop out all at the same time. I fell over. At that moment I knew what a haze of pain was. I literally had no input to my brain other than that of the excruciating pain from what ever happened in my knee. I had about 10 seconds of completely white vision. I finally noticed what was happening around me when I heard Jackie asking me if I needed my parents. I still wasn’t sure what had happened so I dazedly sat up and murmured to her that no, no I don’t think I need anyone.

Then I tried to brush everyone away saying oh it was just my kneecap popping out. I felt the outside of my leg and determined that my kneecap was in place so I asked for a hand up. I almost screamed (but did not) because of the amount of pain my knee was sending me as I tried to stand. I immediately sat back down.

I asked for help to scoot over next to the wall. I sat there trying not to cry and figure what had happened. A bad feeling slowly formed in the pit of my stomach.  Jackie came up with my dad in tow, and I was extremely grateful that she didn’t listen to me and went and got him. Dad helped me to move into the usher’s station as we tried to assess how to handle the issue. Mrs. Bittner came in and dad asked if there was any ibuprofen around, she went to go get it. Dad carefully checked my leg and said it looked like nothing was wrong; it might just be a bad bruise. Mrs. Bittner came back with ice, water, and the pills.

I took the pills and held the bag of ice on my leg. Some of my friends came in and sat and talked to me. They came and they went, for a while I didn’t really pay attention to the conversation. In my head I was coming up with the worst scenario possible. Eventually I just broke down and was crying for a bit as they prayed for me. (For some reason that reminded me of my first Youth Camp lol J ) I gained control of my emotions as the girls were talking to me, and was able to even smile.

When we got home that night, I was up in my room on my bed. (I’m not entirely how I got to the car, then to my house, then up the stairs, but it happened somehow) I was sitting there trying to listen to the pain signals my leg was sending me, but oddly there were few. I moved my ankle. Then I started crying and panicking because I could not feel my leg at all.

My mom came up and saw me crying and asked if the pain had gotten worse. I told her I could not feel my leg, she then went downstairs to talk to dad. A few minutes later dad came up and told me that we were going to go to the emergency room. (I was not very happy about that…)

"I know where you got your shoes." The man said in a thick southern accent as he came up close to me. "Oh yeah?" I challenged as i stuck my hands in my pockets to make sure he wasn't trying to pickpocket me. "on yo feet!" he laughed as he then offered to shine my shoes for me. I agreed and gave him five bucks. I then walked away.
My eyes furtively darted around glaring at everyone I passed. I was not going to be taken by surprise this time! I walked through the narrow streets quickly. I couldn't find the store I was told about so I left the French Quarter. I ran back to my seedy hotel room.I sat on the bed and put my head in my hands. Now what? I did exactly as he said but there was no CD shop! How am I supposed to find that microchip now? I jumped up in a flip as two big men burst into my room. "You DO NOT want mess with me right now!"

Strong Enough (9)

I quickly dived underwater to avoid the arrows being shot at me. Oh great... they are seriously shooting at me?!?! I swam as hard as I could to try to get away from the arrows. That was when I was hit in my back right leg. I surface screaming in pain as I pulled the arrow out. I threw the arrow at the guard perusing me down the banks of the river and wounded one in the arm. Good, one less guard to worry about! I took another deep breath, and set off like a fish. I kept going until I almost blacked out, and then surfaced. I took slow deep breaths of air and took a quick glimpse around. No guards. Good. I dragged myself out of the cold stream and lay there half submerged. I had no more strength to move myself. I fell asleep with my legs in the stream water, hoping that the water would help clean out and numb the arrow wound.

A facade

It is all a facade

The laughs and the joy

It is all a mask we put on

to put on so

no one asks why

Why we are depressed

Strong Enough (8)

I finished the blog chalenge! :D____________________________________________

Somehow, the tunnel lead out to the outside, over the bank of the river. I carefully put the book into a water proof bag, and dived into the river. I swam down stream, following the current. I surfaced a good mile down stream, surprised at how fast I went. I glanced around to get my bearings, and realized that I was near the town of Grey Wolf. I went under again, and swam as fast as I would, hoping that I could get past the town without resurfacing. My lungs began to ache as I swam under the bridge. Only a little farther! My vision began to grow dim. I need air! NOW! I resurfaced, not caring where I was; I gulped in copious amounts of air. My vision cleared, and I could see that I was a little past the edge of town. I was not safe yet, so I kept swimming down stream. I then heard a weird sound: whizz plop. What was that?? I looked around, but could not see what made that sound. I heard a couple more, then noticed that arrows were being shot at me. uhg. Not now. This was not going to be a good day....

Strong Enough (7)

I lifted the stone back into place, then I crept down the tunnel. I went straight at the fork to see where it went. I traveled for a long time in the darkness, until I stumbled over something. I felt around in my pockets to see if I happened to leave a glow stick in there. I found one at the very bottom of my pocket, then I cracked it. I put the glow stick close to where I stumbled to see what it was. I stifled a scream as I saw a half decayed body lying in the middle of the tunnel floor. I gagged, and turned away. I tried to put the person's horrible fate out of my mind as I continued up the tunnel.

Strong Enough (6)

I stared down the length of the tunnel, wondering where it went. Should I follow it? Or should I go back out and try to take on the guards? Easy answer. I followed the tunnel. It soon branched off, to the left towards the records room, and then right. I took the left hand tunnel, and crawled along. It took a good long while, the tunnel slowly angling downwards. Where is this going? I kept following the tunnel, hoping that no body else knew the existence of it. It stopped suddenly, and I was left facing a wall. I pushed on it, but nothing happened. I then tried pushing up, and the ceiling moved. I put all my strength into it, and heaved the floor stone out of the ceiling. I stood up, and found I was in the middle of the records room. Nice! I hope no one heard the stone moving...If i'm in the middle of the records room, the guards at the door can't hear me. I stood up, and moved the stone back into place. I stalked down the row of bookshelves, looking at the titles. Where is it? It should be in here... Ah! There it is! I grabbed the book off the book shelf, all records of the government initiated murders, assassinations, and the location of where all the rebellion leaders lived. Really valuable information. I quickly tucked it into my pocket. Then I froze as a sword pricked the small of my back.
"Vell madame, vhat do ve haf here?" Came a rough, grating voice. He reached into my pocket, and took out the book. I tensed. "How did you get here?" He demanded as he took the book, and placed it on the book shelf. "Well," I replied in an even tone, "It was easy, all the guards outside the door are asleep, all i had to do was walk past them." "Vell," Said the guard behind me, "ve vill just haf to remedy that." he prodded me in he back with his sword. "Valk." "Okay, okay, don't have a cornea, I'm going!" I took one step forward, executed a neat, high back flip, grabbed the soldiers head while i was in the air, and landed behind him. I slammed his head into the floor stone, and he passed out cold. Whew. Glad I didn't panic. Now its time to go. I ran back to where the entrance to the tunnel was, and slipped inside, groaning softly as my knee registered a sharp pain.

Strong Enough (5)

I got out of bed, and stifled a scream as I collapsed. Not now... Its too important an opportunity to miss because of my stupid disease. I waited a few minutes, rubbing my legs. I stood, but it hurt so much. Hopefully it would wear off before I had to do any running... I changed into black trousers and a black tunic. I wrapped a dark hood around my head to disguise my bright red hair, and rubbed grease on my face and arms. Hopefully the guard would not see me. I quietly opened the door, glad I had greased it a couple days before when I was scouting out the area. I looked up and down the hallway, and slipped out of my room. I groaned silently as I put weight on my right leg. I quickly stifled it, and hid behind a statue as I heard footsteps coming my way.
A guard passed by my hiding place on his rounds for the night. I closed my eyes so the lantern would not reflect in them, and listened to his footsteps. He paused. Oh no, I left my door cracked open! He slowly prodded my door open. I crept up silently on him as he stepped into my room. I unwrapped my belt and gagged him with it. I knocked him unconscious with his night stick. I then dragged him the rest of the way into my room. I gagged him with his own belt, and put my belt back on. Hopefully when he woke up, I would be long gone, but since I wasn't sure, I took the sheets off the bed, and sliced them both in half. I took the sheets, and tied him up with them. Hopefully my complicated knots would keep him a while.
I again went out of my room, but this time I darted up the hallway. Which way did Anwen say again? Left or right? I'll try right. I darted down the right hallway. Thankfully it was the right one, because I saw the records room door....with two guards in front of it...Now what? I don't want to die too get in the records room, but how can I get in? I leaned against the tapestry next to me, and stumbled, squealed. One of the guards unfortunately heard me, because he sent one of the guys over to me. There was no wall! I climbed into the tunnel, and pushed the wood that had been in place back in the wall, just as the guard came to see what had made the noise. I held my breath as he pulled back the tapestry, and he saw the blank wall. "It was probably a mouse, Tanner!" He yelled back at one of the other guards, under his breath, he muttered, "Or your imagination..." He left to go stand back on guard duty. I left my breath out, grateful that I had found a tunnel, and wondering where it led.

Strong Enough (4)

I furtively checked around me to make sure no one was watching, then I darted into the alleyway. I followed the alley to a small, unremarkable bungalow. I quickly changed out of the disguise I had on into one of a high ranking slave in the king's palace. I asked the owner of the bungalow to help me get my hair just right, and she willingly obliged. I stepped out of the house, kept my head down, and made it look like I was on an errand for the palace. I picked up some groceries, then made my way to the palace. I quickly walked through the side gate, with my head down, and hurried to the kitchen to deposit my goods. I then went to a servants quarters that I knew would be empty, flopped on the bed, and fell asleep. I woke a few hours later, when it was dark. It was the middle of the night. Now would be a good time to sneak to the records room.

Strong Enough (4)

I kept straining my eyes at the shape to see what it was, hoping that it was not an enemy, but fearing the worst. I also was looking around trying to find another way out, but other large shapes were also converging to my spot. I did a very heroic whimper. Then one on the dark shapes spoke, "Who are you?" It asked with a slight Scottish accent. "My name is Sarah O'Malley, and I am from Ireland, who are all of you?" "I," said the dark shape, which I could now see was the outline of a woman being supported by another, "Am Grace. That is just simply my name. People used to call me Grace o' the moor. But, since I am now in this dark dungeon, I go by just Grace. These people are people who Lord Maelstrom doesn't like, or are his enemies. Our stories are long and complicate. Can we hear your story first, dear?" She asked as she slowly sank to the ground beside me. The others also sat down. "well," I started out, "It's a long story who's beginning starts about two months ago..."

Strong Enough (3)

The guards dragged me out of my cell, down a few flights of stone steps, into a small room with a pit in the middle. "Enjoy your stay." Said one of the guards sarcastically and they threw me in the pit. I screamed as I plunged down the hole. I landed (somehow) feet first onto the muck on the bottom of the hole. Which made me scream even louder as I grasped my ankle. it was either broken or sprained. First off, it was pitch black, so I couldn't see anything. Second off, I don't see how this is considered an interrogation room since it is a pit in the floor. Oh well, some people can have an imagination... i guess... I heard something moving around down here with me. I hope its just a rat. My eyes are adjusting to the gloom. I see a large shape slowly moving towards me. I backed away as quickly as I could, but there was no where to run. i was trapped.

Strong Enough (2)

Sure enough, the next time I woke up, I was still not sure what time it was, two people burst into to my room and held my arms behind my back. When they did that, I screamed with the pain. After i screamed, they held just a tiny bit looser, so my mind was not too fogged with pain. Their boss came in, and just stared at me. "Well, Sarah O'Malley, I didn't expect you to survive being shot four times, but since you did, we will see what you know of the rebellion." Oh no, I thought, it's the general. This is bad news, he is known for getting information out of people. And I have heard that they are never the same after that...I hope I can be strong. I slowly looked up, my long, curly red hair brushing back from my eyes, "I'm not telling you anything!" And I meant it. I would rather die than let this man rule the world, which was what he wanted. He smiled cruelly and said, "We'll see about that. Guards take her down to interrogation room alpha. We will see if she tells us after a week down there."

Strong Enough

I groaned as I slowly woke up. Pain racked my body. I tried to remember what had happened as I glanced around the room I was in. Then I remembered: I was shot. I touched my neck, where one of the bullets had hit me. Instantly, my body registered a ton of pain. I examined the rest of me to see where I was shot. I was shot in my neck, my arm, my stomach, and my leg. I was lucky, I guess, none of the bullets were still inside of me. None of them hit anything vital. Then I checked my surrounds. I was in a small, dark room, there was a small cot, which I woke up on, and naught much else. Then I noticed that the door had a small slot in the bottom to push food through, and curiously enough, it had no handle on the inside. I was a prisoner.

I didn't even know where I was, or why I was taken prisoner, but I knew one thing: I had to escape at all costs. I hate being cooped up in small closed spaces, and being held prisoner with no window in my cell would be enough to drive me crazy within the first couple of days.

After what I guessed was an hour passed, I got up and started pacing the room. It was more like limping back and forth because of the wound in my leg, but I had to do something! I did that as long as could, and then I passed out on my bed. I woke up, a guesstimated couple of hours later, it could even be the next day. It was hard to tell the time in that cell. Since I had nothing better to do, I picked up one of the small rocks that littered the floor, and started to randomly write on the wall. I looked at what I had written and realized it was one of the bible verses that I had memorized; Jeremiah 29 - Then you will call on me and come and pry to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 "I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and I will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile." I realized that the verses I had memorized as a kid were still with me, they were in my sub conscience. And these verses would most likely help me through the hard times that were sure to come.

Strong Enough (Song)

Well, maybe

Maybe that's the point

To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally

Finally at rock bottom

Well, that' when I start looking up

And reaching out

This part of the song called Strong Enough is my favorite part of the song. The reason I like it so much is because when all the stuff was going on in my life, I finally started looking up to God for my help. And it really helped with all I have gone through the past three years :)

Remembering 9/11

"Mommy, what's going on?" My five year old self asked staring at the television. My mother turned off what she was looking at and told me that something terrible has happened and that a lot of people just died. I went back to my room because she wanted to watch what was happening, but didn't want me to see it. Before I went upstairs, I took one last look at the television, and saw one of the towers collapse, then I ran up to my room.
I remembered this as I watched two documentaries this morning on all that had happened during 9/11. Now I could see why my mom did not want a five year old watching it, it was horrible. Seeing and hearing what happened to over 2,000 people that died. Worrying that my uncle might be a pilot on one of the hijacked planes, and the relief finding out that he wasn't is another vivid memory. Unfortunately, some people will not be able to say that.

Don't ever forget 9/11.

Homesick. That is the main word to describe us now. Homesick, lonely, weary to the bone, and dispirited. That is what we all are feeling when we are 30 miles or more away from our homeland. Too far (or so they thought) for us to run back home. Back to our families. Back to the old ways. The old ways of our people. But they were wrong.

One day, we decided we had enough. We did not want to be at this school, which was more of a prison than a school. We decided to run. Run all the way back home, and prove the people wrong. We are never too far to run back home. Thus, we decided to break out and run.

It took a good couple of weeks or so, but we finally made it back to the Hopi reservation. Pa said we had to go back, but we were not going back. They didn't know how we were treated. We were treated like savages. They cut the boys hair. They made us wear these uncomfortable uniforms, learn this language called English, punished us for even talking our language, or even acting like an Indian. Then only thing I remotely liked there, was the sports. There we could show our prowess outside.

But, the facilitator decided the games were too much, and banned them from being played. That's when we ran. Ran far away from the injustice of the government. Away from the injustices against the Indians. We ran home. Home to the old ways.

My second post for the blog competition :)

I cringed as bullets flew around me. I held onto the oak limb hoping that I would not get accidentally shot or fall down from the tree into the battle below. When I had first climbed the tree, I didn't think that a battle would break out right below me. A bullet whizzed past my ear.
All I wanted to do was take a break from my never ending list of chores. It was the daily work of a house in the little war torn town of Gettysburg. Of all the days I thought the battle would begin, today was the last on my list.
Today was my birthday. Another bullet whizzed past me. I whimpered. A girl, on her sixteenth birthday, in a tree above the Battle of Gettysburg, what a mess! Then again, I have been well known for some of the messes I've gotten into... like that one time involving the Smith's pigpen... I smiled.
Then I immediately screamed. A bullet had bored itself into my arm. Oh no! A soldiers was right below me looking up into the tree at me! This is NOT good!
"Who's up there?" He shouted.
"A girl," I yelled back, "Me names Sarah O'Malley, and I've been shot in me arm!"
"See if you can climb down Miss O'Malley, I will take you to the union hospital, they will then remove the bullet, and bandage your arm." I tried to carefully climb out of the tree, but I couldn't. I fell out instead.

Because I liked it :)

I'm borrowing this poem from a book I read because I liked it :)

It hangs like a weight around my neck

The things I've done, the things I've said.

Exposed, my plan buried me instead of him,

And now shame floods and surrounds, pulling me lower.

They call it gravity, but it feels like guilt.

I dream I am somewhere else, and no one knows

The Things I've done, the things I've said.

But when I open my eyes, I'm still here in my bed,

In the town where no one knows, but everyone should.

In the town where I'm stalked like a lion.

Just when I think the death sentence is coming,

When my life is about to end,

He speaks.

He takes the weight.

Removes the chain.

Lifts it with words.

And I am light again.

Alive.

Forgiven.

Dead End by Jerry B. Jenkins and Chris Fabry

I wrote this after I got saved. :D
_______________________________________________
I look backwards from the path I had been following. To the path blazed by Jehovah-Yasha. His bloody footprints embedded in a trail of tears. The trail leads to a glorious kingdom set on a hill. I hesitate looking forward to the darkness, death, and despair that awaited me if I continued down that way. Then I turn and run on the path my Savior blazed for me. I run towards the promise of the glorious kingdom and the end of despair.